In My Deepest Heart…


I can’t resist these mixed feelings.  I am still human after all.

I envy those who are wealthy especially during my struggle to go to the grad school.  I envy those whose parents are able to pay for their higher education.  I even know a church friend whose parents bought a green card for her.  Everything is possible when you have money.  I am even angry when I know some of those who are studying abroad don’t take their study seriously, they think it’s a vacation.  But, I know that money is not everything in this world.  I am grateful that I am struggling now because it makes me depend on God.  Yes, I am struggling and it makes me a better and stronger person.

I envy people (and some of my peers I know) who works for the government and they get the chance to travel and stay around the world.  I really want to get the chance to travel around the world.  Yet, I know they have their own struggle in new places.  My friend doesn’t like the place where she is assigned.  And I am worried about what will happen to them after they die since they don’t believe in Jesus.

I envy those who have a loving family that live in harmony.  I feel so envy when I see siblings in other families have a close relationship.  My family is different.  However, I am grateful for my family.  I am who I am now because of my family. And this gives me a lesson not to do the same mistakes that my parents did.  I will have my own loving family that live in harmony someday.

I feel envy to hear most of my peers got married and have children.  I feel envy to see my younger friends and colleagues got married.  I asked, “when is my turn?”  Yet, I am grateful that I am still single and happy.  I am “free”.  I have more free time.  I can do things that my married friends can’t do.   A friend told me that living a marriage life is so complicated.  I agree, but complicated things can be fun too.  I still want to get married someday.

Yesterday I felt betrayed and hurt.  It was the day when the principal announced what grade we’re going to teach in the next academic year.  It turned out that the principal had another thing to announce.  The person whom I thought as my  “best friend” got a scholarship from the school to study in Summer Program (M.Ed) in Pensacola Christian College in Florida.  She is leaving next Wednesday. It’s not about she is receiving a scholarship from the school that hurts me so much.  It’s the part that she didn’t tell me earlier.  She knew about the scholarship since October 2010.  We have been hanging out a lot all these times.  We shared stories, coffees, food, movies, hotel room,  and I even told her about my plan and my struggle to go to grad school.  Why did she keep it a secret from me?  Probably she feels bad since she knows I also want to study in grad school.  But I don’t think it’s a good reason not to tell me if she thinks I am her best friend.  I congratulated her and gave her a hug.  We talked as usual.  Yet while we talked, my heart and my mind were having a conversation inside me. “Is she really my best friend?” “Why doesn’t she trust me?”  “What is wrong with me?”  “Why do I feel hurt?”

Some time ago I had an online chat with a friend far far away.  We talked about the meaning of best friends. Do I have best friends?   I told her that best friend is someone who is honest to you, someone who is supporting you in bad times and is with you in good times too.

I remembered this conversation when I was analyzing my hurting heart.  Maybe I am wrong all these times.  I am not a best friend for her even when I am honest, I supported her when she broke up with her fiancee after 8 years dating,  I was by her side when she needed a company to get through all those miserable lonely times, and all of those times we spent together.  It was really shocking. We were talking about me getting a student visa.  She even asked me how to send a document to USA (which turns out to be her application document).  I didn’t have a clue at all.  How stupid I am! and I consider her as a best friend?  Why was it hard for her to tell me the happy part of her life when she got the scholarship?

I realize it hurts me that much.  I have never experienced this before.  I think this is the time God’s teaching me about betrayal.  I forgave her.  But I will never think about her the same way as before.  From now on, I will consider all colleagues as friends only.  I think it’s better that way.  And I will never tell my grad school plan to anyone at school anymore.

I know that other than the fun of going to USA again, she has a heavy burden in the Summer Program.  It’s like two semesters packed in two months and she must graduate on time, otherwise she has to resign.  Moreover she has the contract to work at this school for 5 years from now.  I don’t want that.

My junior partner in teaching Science is annoying.  She always asks for our food and one day she even forced me to give her my ice cream 😦  She always waits the last minutes to do her works.  She often peeks on what I am doing on my desk and try to do what I am doing.  She will always ask “what is this?” “what is that?”  I can not avoid her.  She sits next to me.  I was so upset yesterday because she copied my idea to get feedback from the students about my lessons.  She even asked for the questioner paper that I made. I was so angry inside, but I chose to give her my idea and my paper.  I hope I influence her in a good way.  And if someone want my idea means that I still have a pretty good idea that others want to copy (this is me trying to be positive).

Yes, life is hard.   Yes, life hurts.  Yes, life can trick us.  Yes, other people are disappointing.  I am still human after all.

But I choose to let go and again depend on God.  These times, life is driving me away from God.  Yet I want to choose to come back and put God the first.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17)


3 responses »

  1. Awww my dearest friend.
    It’s aching me to read your post. I know your struggles, but I didn’t know that you are hurt that much. I bet it really hurt (or maybe it does still hurt) you to be “betrayed” (I must use quotation mark because it might sound subjective to some people). I’m proud of you not telling your friend how hurt you are, instead you hugged her and congratulated her. That’s when we shall practice what we preach.

    It is very human to feel disappointed, jealous, to envy others who have what you need or what you want while you are struggling to get it. It is worse when they don’t know how lucky they are. You are not alone. And you are not bad to feel that way. We are human. And I guess that is how life is for the most part. Life is an irony, sadly. Maybe that’s how it should be.

    Well, I have my struggles too, of course. Let me tell you. I am so thankful that I have a loving husband, a cute, healthy baby, I have what I need although I haven’t got lots of things I want. But do you know how I envy those women who can work, have careers, make their own money (and that is including you)? How I miss the routine of waking up in the morning, have a shower, watch morning news, have breakfast, grab a cup of coffee, work, go home, tired, dinner, watch TV, have a shower, and go to bed? I miss working and having a career. I miss making my own money. But as I think again, maybe I am not missing “working”. I miss making my own money. I miss using my talent. Yes I envy you, and the other girls who are working women. And I envy our classmates the most, because these are the people I went to college with, we had the same education, we had the same chance, but we are doing different things. And here I am: a wife, a full time mom, a foreigner, have less penny than janitors – not because I’m lazy or stupid, but because I don’t have the chance. I lose my existence in Japan. And not like women I know in our home country -my friends, they who call themselves wives or “just” housewives-they have housemaids to help them, some of them have nannies to take care of their babies, drive cars everywhere, Facebooking through their Blackberries or iPhones without working hard to have them- we take a train everywhere, or bikes, we don’t have a car because it doesn’t make so much sense to have a car here in the land we are going to leave anyway .

    I might have a loving husband, a good person. But actually, if I could create a husband, he wouldn’t be the same person. I knew people before I met him and how they made me amazed with what they have done. My husband, lots of things he hasn’t experienced. Sometimes I am surprised how he doesn’t know what I know. But then when I realize, he isn’t the only one. Our friends Americans and Canadians are the same. Like what he always says, “North America is detached from the other civilizations.” He envies Europeans the most, like I do. And that makes me envy my cousin who married a Dutch, living in Amsterdam. How they are so lucky to have a modern life and an easy access to traveling abroad just by train. But I chose my husband for his good qualities, and if I have waited for someone else who would have all the qualities I need, I doubt that there would be one.

    And our friend, our ex classmate who always screams that she doesn’t like her station place where she is now, yet how happy she is to be able to enjoy Copacabana beach, and now visiting Hollywood. Many times I imagine if I had been smarter and not being a moron when I had the interview, my life would have been different. It took me years and it’s only recent when I finally understood that I don’t really want it. I would have got all the luxuries -career, money, holidays, pride- but, being a government official -our government- is not what I want. And it is not the only price I could pay to get all those luxuries.

    There are other disappointments. Too many that I don’t think I’d spend so much time just write them down one by one. Yes, life is a struggle. Yet, we still have to believe in our dreams. And don’t worry because you have what it takes. Just don’t forget to enjoy life, and keep looking.

  2. dear Viliya!!!!!! i wish I could be in your house right now and just give you a hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my heart goes out to yours!!!!!! i will write you a email very soon!!! Ok?? God bless and heal your heart!!!!! love and hugs from a dear not best, I know, but a DEAR friend!!!elly!!!;)

  3. Hugs!!! and about copying your work, I think you should tell her nicely not to copy your work. I don’t think we should stop sharing knowledge, research, etc. – but copying others’ work is another issue. Talk with you soon!

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